totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
