I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
