I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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