I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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