You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
