I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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