if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
