Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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