at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
