I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
