So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
