I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
