She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
