Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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