My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
