It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
