if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
