So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
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I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
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Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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