Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't think brook has ever known best
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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