life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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