someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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