I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
