I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
