i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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