Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
