Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
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i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
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I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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