Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
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I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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