I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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