her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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