as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
