I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
