Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
