I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
