I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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