i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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