Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
