finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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