Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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