Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
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Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
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If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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