i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
