You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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