her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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