my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
