3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
me + whiskey = a bad person
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
