It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
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There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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