Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
