Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
