is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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