Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
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My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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