new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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