____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
