Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
