dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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