I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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